Can I just let this out?
I have to let these feelings out.
So my mom was lecturing us and one of what she is telling us is to dress with modesty.
Since to tell you, my mother was the one who would rather wear long sleeves, pants, t-shirts, and those covering outfits
I just have to share my thoughts. I can’t just answer her back because she’ll go berserk and the talking won’t stop so here’s my story.
But before that let me tell you on what modesty means.
According to Merriam Webster, modesty means the quality of not being too proud or confident about yourself or your abilities
: the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention
Now the questions bugging me is that
Am I not dressing in modesty?
Does wearing shorts makes me a person without modesty or like a flirt?
Am I being too much?
And these endless questions and possibilities running my head makes me look myself as disgusting.
Because I have to admit, due to the intense heat, I wear ripped high waisted shorts and tank tops. But I also wear t-shirts,of course. My pants remains not used since the heat is really bugging me. and also because I didn’t bring my whole bunch of clothes from the PH that’s why I mostly wear the same shit.
I think right now? I look myself as a stupid, careless, and a flirt. For short, as of right now, I disgust myself.
I mean I know my limitations on the way I wear and I haven’t committed any violations. (Growing up in a conservative family.)
But sometimes do I forget it?
I mean I don’t even really know if the shorts I’m wearing reveals a minimum portion of my butt. (The lining rather, or whatever you guys call that)
Pants and long sleeves?
They ain’t my style. I mean I the clothes I wear depends on the weather.
My dad would oftentimes talk to me saying that I shouldn’t be wearing shorts. And my mom would tell me the same thing.
See? Conservative right? But I know it’s for our own good.
Because nowadays? ALL BOYS, yes, common and all boys are maniacs, perverts, and bullies. Name it all. They will judge you on what you wear. Catcall you, and do some shits.
How cruel right?
So here I am making a vow to myself that starting tomorrow until forever, I would be wearing t-shirts, pants, and just whatever seems modest.
I mean I’ll start to arrange my cabinet and remove whatever showy clothing I have.
Because I have to change as young as I am and as early as now.
I mean if you guys think in the Philippines I wear the same kind. NOPE.
In fact, I was afraid on doing so. Like one time simple tank top and shorts that was like almost really short for me made me cry and embarrassed myself since my aunt (who’s here in LA with us) came back to the Philippines that time and she told me to wear that. And well the fact that the tank top was not comfy and the shorts too.
I swore that day that I wouldn’t wear those kind of clothes. LIKE EVER.
And so here I am, arriving in ‘Merica, seeing people being carefree.
Sabi nga nila, no one cares on what you wear. This is America peeps!
So that’s when I started to wear shorts, tank tops, and whatever seems comfy to beat the heat.
But I also remember one time when there’s a friend of my aunt who basically told us to help her carry the box of clothes she’s giving to my mom. Like ugh, she parked her car like a few feet away from the house. So we have to walk a few minutes and get those damn boxes. After so, the boxes were slippery so it accidentally fell. And yes I have to pick up the clothes by bending. Like I didn’t sit. So as soon as I bent, I didn’t realize there was a man walking behind me. And damn! I was wearing distressed high waisted ripped shorts (those ripped shorts were the ones with the bottom lines in threads. Search it out. So my dread was that what if he saw my butt? Up to this day I hated the friend of my aunt and also the box. Lol.
So anyways, I just hope I hadn’t break my reputation. I mean what if they see me as like a disgusting person because of clothing?
But FYI, I literally know my limitations. In fact, like what I said, in the Philippines, I wear nicely. Since if you wore showy outfits? They judge you.
Take it from a Filipina.
But as I’m typing this, I think I haven’t showed any bad things on my clothing at all.
So maybe I just have to limit what I wear and just save my good reputation as early as possible.
I’m still thirteen years old for effing’s sake!
So nasa huli talaga ang pagsisi. Regrets will always come last.
So what am I going to do now?
To be honest, this shit prevents me on being myself.
Why does people have to be judgmental nowadays?
So what will I do now is just have a restart on everything. I mean I haven’t committed a crime on my clothing.
I have to buy shorts that aren’t distressed on the lower portion.
And just protect the parts that deserves to be protected and covered. I might go shopping as well to have new sets of clothing.
A new fresh start. JUST A FRESH CLOTHING START.
So yes. I feel relieved right now I guess?
It’s 12:20 AM, August 6th right now and thank you for your time on reading this. I’ll sleep this off since sleep is the best escape.